God's Divine Grace on an anxious working mom

This morning I stepped out onto our screened in porch to take a quick work call.  It felt so good with the shade and a slight breeze that I decided to take Sophia out there on our newly slipcovered couches (finally!  We only ordered them back in March!) for her mid morning feed. 

Anyway, I took a break from sifting through the massive amounts of work emails I’ve been going over these past two days and grabbed the May issue of American Baby.  I’d been wanting to read it for the past two months but never seemed to find the time to do so.  I suppose God had wanted me to find the perfect time to read it.  As I sat there enjoying the quiet sounds of nature around me holding my sweet baby and reading that magazine I found a little bit of peace that I really needed to calm my anxiety over the nanny starting tomorrow.

I came across a section in the magazine that was talking all about the worries moms face in finding child care as they stare down the barrel of their maternity leave ending.  A lot of the fears expressed by moms in the magazine were the same ones I have been feeling for months.  “What if my baby loves the caregiver more than me?”  “What if the childcare giver doesn’t know the particular things my baby likes and doesn’t know how to calm her when I’m not around?”  “What if I become out of touch with my child’s life?  I knew and adored her every move for three months and now someone else would be spending that precious time with her.”  If I write any more I might start to tear up (more than I already am). 

The truth is it’s just hard to let go and face the unknown and you really can’t imagine what you’re going to feel like before you actually hold your baby in your arms the day they're born.  It’s easy to say “oh I’ll be fine when the time comes to go back to work,” but the reality is quite different.  I think for some moms the thrill of having adult time away from the house makes going back to work an easier transition but for others (and I think I fall in this camp) the thrill of becoming a mom makes everything else just fade away.  It's a job that's harder than you can imagine at times but one of the most rewarding jobs you’ll ever have – which makes that jump back to work even harder.

Anyway, I started this post talking about why I found peace in the article and while I’m obviously still struggling with it all, it did make me feel better to read responses to the mothers’ concerns.  “No matter how close the baby gets to his caregiver, your mother-child bond is irreplaceable,” said one clinical psychologist.  Another suggested creating new mommy and me rituals to ensure that precious one on one time with your baby daily.  I guess I didn’t read anything I hadn’t heard before but it somehow made me feel better all the same.

Then as I was reading, Sophia finished feeding and fell asleep on my chest. 

little sleeping beauty

Just then, I noticed an email came through on my phone from a customer who was commenting on me returning to work and how I needed to treasure the quiet moments of the day when I get to hold her and how that’s what I’ll remember later.  I couldn’t agree more in that moment looking down at my precious sleeping beauty.  She didn’t have a care in the world and looked so comfortable nuzzled up on me.  

It just made me feel great knowing how comfortable she was in my arms and somehow made me really believe all the talk about how she’ll always know who her mama is.  I sat there with her like that for about 20 minutes.  I kept thinking how I should probably get up and get back to work but I just didn’t have it in me to wake her or move her.  And I suppose I needed that quiet mommy and me time.  I was relishing in the moment and it gave me peace I needed to face tomorrow and the weeks and months ahead when my work schedule gets a little busier and dare I say or think it (the over night trips that are coming).

Just goes to show you that God never gives you more than you can handle and although it’s going to be an adjustment to accept help from someone who’s now essentially a stranger to our family I know with time it’ll get easier and I’m sure everything will work out.  We have a great nanny lined up who I know will be good with Sophia and at the end of the day I’ll always have my baby girl to snuggle up with and love on.  I just hope and pray she'll always have smiles and love back for her mama.